i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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