I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
