Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
