you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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