You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
