Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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