all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
