mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
