I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
