My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
