so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
