Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
