The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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