cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
