I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
