omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
