My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
