I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
