I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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