There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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