Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
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He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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