im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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