I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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