My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
