Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
