in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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