I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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