mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
