i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
