i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
