I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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