i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
