based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.