I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
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He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
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I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.