Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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