I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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