if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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