actually, I'm a sock model
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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