I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
