did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
