Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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