I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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