Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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