i just google imaged poop.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
