I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
