dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
