His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I could make wine with my vomit
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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