We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
