I accidentally had phone sex last night
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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