What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
