Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
