I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
