The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think my moral compass just broke
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
