How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
