6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
